Since I am a roving reporter, I run across all manner of interesting objects scattered about the countryside. One that I recently stumbled across was an ID card for some USDA inspector named Gertrude Wallace-Fitzkirby (not her real name, of course). With a little PhotoShop skill, I was able to create this quite realistic badge.
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Bogus Badge Works Again!
With my counterfeit USDA identification in paw, I was able to slip past security in the MPL Youth Services Department and "inspect" the incubator housing the soon-to-be-hatching chick eggs. With my experienced and heightened senses, including the inscrutable feline sixth sense, I am happy to report that everything is progressing eggs-actly as egg-spected. The Babies (as Broadway Gal calls them) are snug and secure, and from all indications, there should be quite a brood running around the YS Information Desk in a few weeks.
We "USDA Livestock Inspectors" are required to photographically document the chicks' progress, and so . . .
Incubator Indicates Impressive Coziness in
E.G.G.S. (Environmentally Gauged Growth Systems)
If you haven't already done so, please visit Broadway Gal's chick blog to learn the latest egg-citing developments.
Oh, one last thing. I need to paste this in a visible location on the incubator.
Going to Great Lengths to Secure a Story,
Cauli Le Chat
MPL Roving Reporter
Egg-ceptional News Bureau
P.S. Scowl-Face just told me that impersonating a USDA inspector is a federal crime! He cites the following statutory authority:
§ 912. Officer or employee of the United States
Whoever falsely assumes or pretends to be an officer or employee acting under the authority of the United States or any department, agency or officer thereof, and acts as such, or in such pretended character demands or obtains any money, paper, document, or thing of value, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than three years, or both.
SOURCE: 18 United States Code (U.S.C.) § 912.
Who may be prosecuted under this federal criminal law? Does it only apply to humans? Generally, the term whoever refers to an individual, or "any person who ..." The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language 1463 (Boston: American Heritage Publishing, 1975). According to Black's Law Dictionary 696 (St. Paul: West, 5th ed., 1979), "As a noun, this term ["individual"] denotes a single person ..." Black's goes on to define person "in general usage" as "a human being ..."(Id. at 1028).
Whew! (Thanks, Scowl-Face, for the legal research.) So this federal law does not apply to felines. In your face, U.S. Attorneys Office!
P.P.S. Test your intestinal fortitude by watching "The Chicken Dance" as demonstrated by several long-time performers from The Lawrence Welk Show. The video description lists the performers.
To paraphrase the lyrics of John Mellencamp, I bet Cauli "made that story up" about the USDA badge lost by some lady inspector. "There ain't no girl like that," sang Mellencamp [from "I Saw You First (Key West Intermezzo)"].
ReplyDeleteCauli,
ReplyDeleteYour badge is no good! It should say "Poultry Inspector" instead of "Livestock Inspector," if you're wanting to inspect the chick eggs.
Don't over-think the jokes, Scowl-Face.
ReplyDeleteCauli - you are a beast.
ReplyDeleteBG
I remember hearing 'the chicken dance' song a long time ago in a French bar, and some older Frenchmen were singing along and doing the chicken wing flapping thing! It was amusing!
ReplyDelete